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So what the heck is Miles Hoarders?

5 Jan

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Bachelor Pad Week 5 – “Relieving Tension”

5 Sep

This week’s episode began with Chris Harrison dropping the bomb that all the contestants would be pairing up.  And choose wisely boys and girls, because from here on out you will vote as that team, win as that team, and be voted off as that team.

Maybe this part of the episode would have been more dramatic had the couples not already been obvious (Michelle and Graham, Kirk and Ella, Kasey and Vienna and Holly and Michael), with Erica and Blake teaming up out of necessity (and last resort).

Wet blanket Holly whined about her predicament – having pledged allegiance to Michael but wanting to make out with Blake – but ultimately accepted her fate at her ex-fiancé’s partner.

The next day, the challenge is revealed – The Nearlywed Game!  And just in case you didn’t realize this was a direct adaptation of the Newlywed Game, Michelle Money offered to explain the premise and rules of the games in her more-than-slightly vacant expression.

Some of the highlights from the game:

Question:  How many dates will you go with someone before “making whoopee”:
-Vienna – 22.  Really?  REALLY?  No wonder Kasey is so tense all the time.
-Holly – 32.  REALLY?  You’re lucky Michael ever wanted to marry you.

I am not promoting promiscuity or sexual easiness by any means, but c’mon!  We’re all adults here.  Different strokes for different folks, but if it’s taking you more than 20 dates before you’ll consider sleeping with someone you might want to get thee to a nunnery.

Question:  What do your [partner’s] exes miss about you the most?
-Kasey [referring to Vienna] – “Teeth.”   Ouch Kasey!  Sounds like a guy who’s not getting laid (zing!).

Question: Who do you hate the most in the house/who do you want to send home/who sucks?
Resounding answer is Blake – smug dentist Blake in his picnic table shirt.  You’re killing Michael so I, like him, don’t like you very much.  And apparently neither does anyone else in the house.  For once we are aligned!

And wow –with the best (and maybe only evidence of) strategy this entire series – Michelle and Graham reveal their foolproof “7/Michael” answer scheme.

Now, for something to be foolproof, it usually requires that the people involved in the plot have a certain IQ level and/or have a functional short-term memory.  Unfortunately, Michelle Money could not hold up her end of the bargain, proving that she is too dumb to see their strategy to a flat out victory.  Even I knew that the person answer was “Mike L”!!!  Stupid girl!  Lucky for her, Erica is even less intelligent and her misunderstanding the tie-breaker question gave the win to Michelle and Graham.

The middle of the episode was kind of slow.  Kasey and Vienna got in a fight over her withholding cuddling.  Kasey pleaded to “have some stress relieved (episode reference #1).”  Vienna tried to explain (unsuccessfully) to Kasey what “ultimatum” meant.  All around fail.

Michelle and Graham’s (or “Gram” as she says it) date was blah.  Yes Graham, we know Michelle is hot/gorgeous/beautiful.  Anything else?

A couple of great quotes from the date (and my response):

-“The time of day was perfect” – Michelle commenting on dusk in the city.  True meaning: I could easily see all the smog that suffocates downtown L.A.

-“I’ve never watched a movie like that before.” – Graham talking about the shamelessly plugged “What’s Your Number.”  My response:  A movie like what Gram?  A Rom Com?  A movie without transformers or cartoon characters?  I would have appreciated some clarification.

On Blake and Erica’s consolation round date, they are given “safety roses” to save another couple.  Definitely bittersweet, as they can’t selfishly save themselves.

The phrase “relieving tension” makes its second appearance during this seemingly long and very uncomfortable date.  As Erica’s “pillow lips” aggressively pursue bonding with Blake by promising a preview of her vast lingerie collection, the tension between the two partners mounts.  Blake finally prevails in destroying any rickety self-confidence Erica may have salvaged after the bulls eye challenge by brutally rebuffing her and heading back to the house for the night.

As with every episode to date, the opportunity to vote of Kasey and Vienna presents itself.  When Blake and Erica approach the chaste couple about the safety roses, Kasey immediately starts on the spiel.  You know how it goes…[said aggressively, rushed while leaning forward and defying any previously established personal space boundaries]: “If you give us the rose you will be safe.  You give it to anyone else you will be stabbed in the back.”

Now, anyone who is not on Bachelor Pad (and/or is not an idiot) realizes how easy it would be to give the rose to Ella and Kirk and convince the other two teams to vote off Kasey and Vienna.  The group is finally small enough that a coup could be staged with minimal effort (or brain cells).

But of course, that’s not what happens.  Blake and Erica “bequeath” (note: I would like to see if half the cast can define that word) the safety roses to Kasey and Vienna and the reluctantly celibate couple’s bullying “strategy” wins again!

After all the heeing and hawing about who “deserves” to be there more than the others, the rose ceremony arrives.  And….surprise!  Kasey and Vienna screwed over Blake and Vienna by not saving them as advertised.  Final rose to Ella and Kirk.

And the saga continues…

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