There’s Nothing Sexier Than Wearing A Wedding Dress You Can’t Pee In

31 Oct

If you asked me to describe my personal style, I would probably go with “low maintenance.” No fuss, just quick and easy. So when I began my wedding dress search back in February, I knew exactly what style of dress I was going for: something modern, sleek, elegant…but most of all, sexy. I planned on using my wedding day as the opportunity to show my friends and family that, believe it or not, I clean up pretty nice.

I started out by going to Borders and picking up a nice stack of what my husband affectionately refers to as “wedding porn.” Having watched more episodes of Say Yes To the Dress than I care to admit, I knew exactly what style I wanted – Mermaid. As I got deeper and deeper into the wedding porn, all the dresses I loved were from Mikaella. I harnessed the great power of the internet to find the closest distributor and embarked on my dress buying adventure.

While I am sure most brides will not agree with this sentiment, I can honestly say that trying on wedding dresses was the easiest and most rewarding shopping experience I’ve ever had. Having an unusual body type – long legs, no torso, endowed chest – has made shopping for clothes no picnic. Not to mention the fact that what used to be a size 8 is now a size 12…it’s enough to make any normal size girl scream.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised by my positive experience. These revised/ridiculous sizes apparently have some perks. Most stores carry this distorted size 12 as their sample size. So as I shimmied into the first dress and zipped up…there was no need for those jaws-like clips to pull in the dress. It fit like a sexy, modern glove. I couldn’t believe it! Other than the top being slightly large (shocking, as that is not my usual problem), the dress was perfect. It hugged every curve, showed just enough cleavage, and created the most beautiful silhouette. I knew from that moment that this was the one. I tried on a few more just to pacify my entourage, but there was no denying it – Mikaella 1406 was the dress.

After one of my fittings a friend asked me, “How are you supposed to pee in that dress?” I was immediately met with sheer panic. How was I going to pee in the dress? All of the things I loved about my choice were now causing me to freak out. The snug fit through the hips an upper thighs left little room for any type of maneuvering. Why didn’t the wedding porn warn me about this? People told me to make sure I could breathe in the dress, but this…this concern came completely out of left field.

I spent a good deal of time thinking about this dilemma. It was too late to choose another, more forgiving dress…so what could I do? The only partial solution I could come up with was to ditch the shapewear. One less barrier to entry (or exit, in this case) calmed my nerves a bit. I knew in a real emergency I could count on my bridesmaids to help a sister out. And they thought their responsibilities were limited to looking pretty and helping to package favors…

Now that the wedding is over, I realize why the wedding porn glossed over the potentially dangerous drawback of this sexy style: you don’t have time to breathe at your wedding, let alone drink. A few sips of water and three gulps of champagne during the celebratory toasts comprised my liquid consumption that evening. Crisis unintentionally diverted!

The moral of the story is – wedding dresses are not practical, but they are intended to make you feel your most beautiful. Sometimes that means suspending bodily functions for a few hours. Small price to pay for one of the most important days of your life. Embrace your sexy choice and just make sure you have few friends to help you balance and lift your dress over your head in case you find the time to enjoy more than one glass of champagne.

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